Because You Watched WolfCop

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Well I couldn’t not watch a movie called WolfCop, and now that I have, my Netflix has created a list of movies for me titled ‘Because You Watched WolfCop’. It’s almost as if Netflix is taunting me, implying,” look motherfucker, you’re the one who wanted to see this mess.”

WolfCop is the story of a half assed police officer and full blown alcoholic, who done got turned into a werewolf. Keeping expectations low, I was significantly surprised by how mean the gore was, and once the movie got rolling I thought that I had discovered a gem. Like any good Werewolf Cop would do, upon transformation, he of course tricks out his police car in an very amusing and over the top fashion.

The first half to three quarters of this movie is pretty solid horror/comedy/gore. Therein after, I would have to guess that the filmmaker ran out of ideas, money, or likely both. This movie goes from showing us WolfCop’s brutal transformation, and completely tearing up ass on the bad guys, to some cheap looking Scooby Do ending. While WolfCop was on a high note, he should have just turned to the camera and made his own found footage jam the rest of the way, because it is unbelievable how fast the movie turns to liquid shit and just lingers there with it’s waves of stink. Overall it’s a very frustrating movie to watch, with zero payoff to the story that it builds up.

You can see WolfCop on Netflix right now if you want, or, you can see any number of other movies on there that are actually worth watching.

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That Special Time of the Year

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It’s that special time of year again folks and I think you know what I mean. That’s right, it’s time for me to gear up, prepare, and get ready to phone prank those that will be watching Sons of Anarchy.
I’m getting my calisthenics on, those jumping jacks, them pulls ups, that Alexander technique.
Now if it took place on pogo sticks instead of motorcycles, I might be into it, but as it stands ‘ your bad taste is drivin’ me crazy!’

Werewolves on Wheels Doesn’t Have Time to be Good Because it’s too Busy Being Great

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Werewolves on Wheels does not feature any actual factual werewolves riding a motorcycle, let’s just get that out of the way right now. However, this forgotten gem from 1971 is fun from start to finish, for it’s pace, cleverness, and unintended laughs. These bikers are not of the murderous racketeering variety, they’re just in it for kicks, man. Whilst partying a little too rowdy at an off the main road and assumed abandoned monastery, the local monks do their thing to freak the gang out and send them on their way. Soon thereafter, the good vibes are replaced with bad vibes, and although not every member want to hear it, the time is nearing to put the partying aside and make some tough decisions.

You’re not likely to recognize a single face or credit associated with this movie. The biggest name involved here would be singer songwriter Barry McGuire of Eve of Destruction fame. Here he plays a substantial role and provides a very listenable soundtrack. This movie wasn’t so much shot on film as it was chiseled onto to gravel. The lighting is as muted as a bad water color painting, sometimes, and I would have to think it is by accident, this works in the favor of  the story’s presentation due to what could be generously referred to as a limited budget.

Still, there is a lot of fun to be had here, you got quality nude dancing, implied Santanism, groovy tunes, and not just werewolves, but, quite possibly, the worst looking werewolf you’re ever likely to see. It’s as if someone went to a barber shop, swept up whatever hair was laying around on the floor, and scotch taped to to the actor’s face.

No one would ever confuse this movie with art, but it will get you off on a goofy Saturday night.

The Fabulous Stains Now on Netflix

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Corrine “Third Degree” Burns (Diane Lane) and her all-girl punk band The Stains ( featuring a surprisingly chubby Laura Dern ) are given a chance to tour backing up a young English punk band The Looters (featuring Paul Cook and Steve Jones of The Sex Pistols,Paul Simonen of The Clash, and a surprisingly thin Ray Winstone) and an old washed up heavy metal band The Metal Corpses. They’re driven from one dingy show to the next by affable Rastafarian, Lawnboy, on a bus which on a good day might be held together with duct tape.

When the Stains new song ‘I’m a waste of time’ ends up garnering more attention than the veteran bands that took them in, everyone wants a piece of their next move. A next move that may be hard to come by from three girls with such limited life experience.

This isn’t an Oscar winner by any means, but it does have a certain charm to it. The performances seem to come off without a sense of self awareness. Seeing three punk legends just after the crash of punk mix it up with several up and coming actors, well that’s a god damn piece of time right there. Without revealing any spoilers, several social trends are conspicuously revealed before they actually took place in our real world. You may notice some similarities between The Stains and 2010’s The Runaways, but outside of Michael Shannon’s fun performance, The Runaways is just a bright, shiny, forgettable movie. The Stains display of culture and character will stick with you even though the pace and visual imagery may not be up 21st century standards.

Ladies and Gentlemen The Fabulous Stains had a very limited release in 1982 and has never been available on vhs or dvd due to so many reasons, that the amount of questionable tit on display is probably the least of the studio’s worries. Viewing this has been hit or miss, receiving brief play on late night cable and art house/ film festival revivals. All of that and the right word of mouth has only added to it’s cult status.

You can have a Super Bowl party if you want, but it’d be a whole lot cooler if set your projector to The Fabulous Stains.